Miscarriage - The Unspoken Heartbreak
September 30th, 2021
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'There’s a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart,
for a child that never comes'
-David Platt
Losing a baby is unbelievably tough and a very lonely experience. No one wants to talk to you about what has happened and many of your friends will stay away because they do not know what to say. This is particularly hard as it is when you need them the most and what they say doesn’t matter, it is the fact that they knocked on your door.
The emotional pain of losing a baby is immense. When you discover you are pregnant, it is impossible to stop your mind from working over time, picturing the future with your baby. You are in a state of excitement and find yourself suddenly thinking of names and nursery designs. Traditionally, pregnancy announcements are not made until after the 12th week, but it is hard to resist sharing your happiness with close family and friends.
And then it happens… to your horror... you find that you are losing your precious unborn baby, who within a few short weeks, you have grown to love so much. If you are admitted to hospital, the nurses are kind and gentle, but they have no time to help you grief and when you return home, every hour has leaden feet. When you have your first miscarriage, people say they are really sorry, but not to worry as it was one of ‘those things’. They wish you better luck next time as they cradle their own babies or pat their own bumps. You try and console yourself and tell yourself that they are right; it was a fluke and that you will have much better luck with your next pregnancy.
for a child that never comes'
-David Platt
Losing a baby is unbelievably tough and a very lonely experience. No one wants to talk to you about what has happened and many of your friends will stay away because they do not know what to say. This is particularly hard as it is when you need them the most and what they say doesn’t matter, it is the fact that they knocked on your door.
The emotional pain of losing a baby is immense. When you discover you are pregnant, it is impossible to stop your mind from working over time, picturing the future with your baby. You are in a state of excitement and find yourself suddenly thinking of names and nursery designs. Traditionally, pregnancy announcements are not made until after the 12th week, but it is hard to resist sharing your happiness with close family and friends.
And then it happens… to your horror... you find that you are losing your precious unborn baby, who within a few short weeks, you have grown to love so much. If you are admitted to hospital, the nurses are kind and gentle, but they have no time to help you grief and when you return home, every hour has leaden feet. When you have your first miscarriage, people say they are really sorry, but not to worry as it was one of ‘those things’. They wish you better luck next time as they cradle their own babies or pat their own bumps. You try and console yourself and tell yourself that they are right; it was a fluke and that you will have much better luck with your next pregnancy.
When you suffer a second miscarriage you find that friends avoid you even more. Those who do say ‘hello’, just say that you will definitely have better luck next time and quickly change the subject. How I wish that one of them would have simply put their arms around me and let me sob. Even my husband could not console me because he was hurting just as much too. When you miscarry a second time, you don feel it is’ just a fluke’ and start to worry what is wrong. All around you are surrounded by friends who seem to be having babies at the drop of a hat and when you go for a walk, you see numerous happy mums with prams and in contrast you feel so empty and alone.
Even now, years later, the tears are falling as I write this and think of the hours of loneliness and isolation I felt each time. How I could be in a room full of people but still feel alone. Nobody ever wanted to mention the word ‘miscarriage’, no one tried to share my pain. My partner tried his best to console me, but was hurting too much too. He threw himself into his work, but I know that one day he was found crying in the men’s toilet.
Miscarriages happened time and time again over the next eight years and the specialists found I had a chromosome problem with a one in ten chance of success – not good odds. There is added heartache when the pregnancy is more advanced and you have to deliver your baby, I do not have the words to describe this.
Finally, one Christmas, we received the most fantastic gift of all – our beautiful baby daughter was born.
Even now, years later, the tears are falling as I write this and think of the hours of loneliness and isolation I felt each time. How I could be in a room full of people but still feel alone. Nobody ever wanted to mention the word ‘miscarriage’, no one tried to share my pain. My partner tried his best to console me, but was hurting too much too. He threw himself into his work, but I know that one day he was found crying in the men’s toilet.
Miscarriages happened time and time again over the next eight years and the specialists found I had a chromosome problem with a one in ten chance of success – not good odds. There is added heartache when the pregnancy is more advanced and you have to deliver your baby, I do not have the words to describe this.
Finally, one Christmas, we received the most fantastic gift of all – our beautiful baby daughter was born.
Tommy’s is a pregnancy charity that supports those who have lost a baby and its website contains plenty of really good information that will help you to understand what your friend/ relative is going through - www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support/support-after-miscarriage/supporting-someone-who-has-had-miscarriage
Suffering a miscarriage is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever done and even now, years later, the birthdays of my ‘lost babies’ are still etched on my heart and I find myself wondering what they all would have looked like and what they would have been doing today…..
Suffering a miscarriage is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever done and even now, years later, the birthdays of my ‘lost babies’ are still etched on my heart and I find myself wondering what they all would have looked like and what they would have been doing today…..
Over the years, there have been a few well known personalities who have had a miscarriage and spoken out about how society should change its attitudes and show more compassion. HELLO! Magazine recently ran an article on Meghan Markle and Zara Tindall, members of the British Royal family who both sadly miscarried their second babies and Sophie, Countess of Wessex who had an ectopic pregnancy and lost her first child.
(www.hellomagazine.com/healthandbeauty/health-and-fitness/20210922122269/royals-miscarriage-baby-loss-meghan-markle-zara-tindall-sophie-wessex/)
Miscarriage is still a taboo subject that is not discussed. If you do have a friend or relative who has recently had a miscarriage, please don’t worry about knowing what to think or say, simply be there and acknowledge her loss and ask her simply how she feels – it will really make the difference. If she wants to talk, just listen as you are helping her to grieve. A huge hug with no words works well too. Don’t forget her partner too because it is an equally difficult time for him too. Many men hide their grief away because they feel that it is wrong for them to show it.
(www.hellomagazine.com/healthandbeauty/health-and-fitness/20210922122269/royals-miscarriage-baby-loss-meghan-markle-zara-tindall-sophie-wessex/)
Miscarriage is still a taboo subject that is not discussed. If you do have a friend or relative who has recently had a miscarriage, please don’t worry about knowing what to think or say, simply be there and acknowledge her loss and ask her simply how she feels – it will really make the difference. If she wants to talk, just listen as you are helping her to grieve. A huge hug with no words works well too. Don’t forget her partner too because it is an equally difficult time for him too. Many men hide their grief away because they feel that it is wrong for them to show it.
Chrissie x
